


the process of leaving a mark

by ghoulgy



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - Homestuck Fusion, Amnesia, Failed Reconciliation, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pre and Post Apocalypse, Resurrection, Temporary Character Death, Time Travel, descriptions of injuries, hao thinks hes stupid but pretty, hochi does a sick wheelie straight into outright denial, sometimes.... that just be how it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-07 07:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18615781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulgy/pseuds/ghoulgy
Summary: When Minghao kisses, it is an angry thing.





	the process of leaving a mark

**Author's Note:**

> song: foundation by years&years  
> honestly a really fitting opening for communion and also the song that reminds me the most of space
> 
> when i started this i didnt know what i wanted it to be but it wasnt this
> 
> to be vaguely transparent: this is a homestuck au. i hate myself for it and i can feel people losing interest as im typing but i Promise its really only loosely based on hs ....  
> if you know what homestuck is: im sorry  
> if you dont: good. and what you need to know Essentially is that kids play a game that ends the world to start a New Universe but you can Mess Things Up by doing Stuff That Doesnt Warrant Explanation
> 
> thx to the mods for going w y&ys. i love all of u
> 
> anyway enjoy ive been in a slump lately And Im Sorry

_And what would we do, you and I, if we could know for sure_  
_That someone was there squinting through the dust,_  
_Saying nothing is lost, that everything lives on waiting only_  
_To be wanted back badly enough?_

[Don't You Wonder, Sometimes? - Tracy K. Smith]

 

ACT 4

 

Sometimes, Soonyoung is so acutely aware of the passage of time that it distracts him from the present.

 

It’s silly-- but there’s something in counting the seconds, the minutes that feels… not good but… right, somehow. Like the timekeeper of the universe and all things that be fell asleep behind the wheel and now Soonyoung’s the asshole in charge.

 

Moving time faster would be useful. Or slower. All he can really do is count.

 

14 seconds pass before he realizes he’s been staring off into space. Not his fault his design seminar makes him feel like he’s been underwater for hours.

 

Minghao shifts at his side. “You made any progress?”

 

Soonyoung blanches. “On what?”

 

A long-suffering sigh. “On your thesis.”

 

“Oh. No, of course not.”

 

Minghao slides a hand along the table to leaf through Soonyoung’s notebook. He’s grown into his limbs, his elbows no longer comically overlarge and head now perfectly suited to his frame.

 

Soonyoung pulls at his shirt as Minghao sends a look his way. “You could take any of these and--” Minghao points to one sketch in particular-- one of a clock, melting away at the edges, “like this one, see. Do like your whole, young Salvador Dali thing.”

 

He gestures vaguely at the notebook as a whole. But Soonyoung gets what he means.

 

The summer heat permeates every room, every pore. They sit at a desk together, sweating it out.

 

It seems like they met so long ago, Soonyoung has memories of a Minghao much younger and more volatile than this but…

 

“So. Your thesis,” Soonyoung states.

 

“My thesis,” Minghao echoes.

 

Soonyoung groans. “You got to look at my sketches! It’s only fair you let m--”

 

Soonyoung’s hand winds its way between Mingao’s arm and his torso, reaching, almost touching the corner of the sketchbook he’s never had the privilege of taking a gander at.

 

“No,” Minghao deadpans, moves his book aside purposefully. “Personal.”

 

Soonyoung huffs. Not like he expected anything different.

 

“You always say that. What are you gonna do during the showcase, huh? Stand in front of it? Blind me?”

 

“I have my ways.”

 

“You’re doing a piss poor job of convincing me you’re not a witch.”

 

Soonyoung can’t help it, never can. He smiles, genuine and full, and gets something like Minghao’s equivalent in return, even if it is still reserved. Cut off.

 

He’s wearing this incredibly distracting number; a sleeveless tee and shorts. But it’s hot out. So it makes sense for once.

 

Soonyoung sees something, though, on Minghao’s back, that he’s never noticed before.

 

There’s a portion of his skin that’s raised, lighter than the rest of him by a few shades. It takes Soonyoung a second to register that the scar travels from one side of his back to the other, that, at its thickest, it’s probably about the size of Soonyoung’s hand. The realization gives him pause.

 

In the light, Minghao breathes easy, looks so calm. This moment they’re having, whatever it is, whatever it means, thrums with an undercurrent of casual closeness that makes Soonyoung’s hair stand on end. Makes him turn in on himself, almost. He doesn’t want it to end.

 

But there’s something about the scar, something about the way Minghao is looking at him right now-- the heat of it all, that sends something straight up and down Soonyoung’s spine.

 

“Hey, you--how’d,” Soonyoung flounders spectacularly. “That scar,” he settles on finally.

 

Minghao freezes immediately, his face going cold and stoic. “Wow, suddenly I have to leave,” he says, and there’s not panic in his voice so much as there is… resentment? Something so out of place it takes Soonyoung and flings him halfway across the world.

 

He stands, gathers his things, and rushes out of the room all in the span of a few seconds.

 

“That was conspicuous,” Soonyoung calls after him.

 

No one else acknowledges the thing that just happened.

 

It’s just Soonyoung, the sun, and the rest of it.

 

\--

 

“You know Minghao?” Soonyoung asks Seokmin the next day, mouth full of granola and raisins.

 

“First of all, gross,” Seokmin comments, but he’s not even looking at Soonyoung, he’s too busy sorting his YuGiOh cards into distinct piles. “Second, the name rings a bell. Why?”

 

Seokmin’s head rests against Soonyoung’s arm and it’s nice-- being splayed out against each other, even in the heat.

 

“He just,” Soonyoung tries to articulate the fact that Minghao sometimes makes him feel like they’re having two conversations at once. “He confuses me.”

 

Seokmin hums, rubs a hand up the side of Soonyoung’s arm distractedly. “Most things confuse you.”

 

“Unfair,” Soonyoung huffs. He flips through his sketchbook in an effort to make time pass faster. His purpose is futile, though. Time marches forward, oblivious to his wishes.

 

“What confuses you about him?” Seokmin plays along after a pause.

 

Now that’s a question. What indeed.

 

Occasionally, Soonyoung thinks he’s seeing double— this impression of Minghao slapped right overtop of the real thing. The edges don’t quite line up right, the echo doesn’t move in time and so, there’s two of them, there in Soonyoung’s head. Like they’re waiting for him to acknowledge something. Like they’re disappointed.

 

“You think when we die we get reincarnated into, like, progressively shittier versions of ourselves?” Soonyoung settles on.

 

Seokmin smiles, lips pressed together carefully. “Why? Is that what you think?”

 

This conversation is getting them nowhere. Soonyoung gives up on making time bend to his will, picks up a pile of Seokmin’s YuGiOh cards instead, flips through them like he’s interested.

 

“Nerd,” Soonyoung mumbles when Seokmin reminds him not to bend the edges.

 

“Dickweed,” Seokmin shoots back.

 

Soonyoung can feel the corners of his mouth turning upward without his permission. Seokmin, at least, has never been confusing. Will never be.

 

ACT 3

 

When Soonyoung finds his way to Minghao’s planet after much finagling with his guide, there’s a trail of red leading from one outcropping of rock to the next, the sun is high and harsh in the sky, and someone’s yelling their throat raw.

 

There’s so much blood. Too much. Soonyoung bites his tongue, hard, and hits the ground running.

 

ACT 2

 

Something has been waiting for all of them for a long time. That’s all Soonyoung can parse from the rush he feels as he touches down.

 

It’s cold, on this planet, on every planet, if the messages his friends have been sending him are any indication. They’re late or, maybe, on time. If the plan all along was to scatter the bones of civilizations long deceased from one end of each mountain range to the next for them to find.

 

KS: nothing of note here.

KS: more skeletons.

LS: :0

KS: is this part of the game

KS: like do we get to spend the rest of time trying to figure out what the hell happened to all these goddamn people.

LS: dont think theyre people.

KS: very large frogs, then.

KS: have you heard from josh?

LS: nope. chan says hes been holed up in his house for a few hours now. wont respond to messages or nothin.

KS: hm.

LS: hm meaning?

KS: hm meaning wheres junhui, actually

LS: i think he found a cat.

KS: ah. of course.

LS: things are so… still here. the guide i was reading, the one i told you about, mentioned something and i think… like we messed this up somehow.

KS: so its not supposed to be like this?

LS: as far as i can tell?

LS: no. definitely not.

 

This isn’t news, somehow.

 

Soonyoung stands atop a tree stump in the land of masks and silence. Feels the weight of it all rest, sky like, upon his shoulders.

 

KS: its so quiet.

LS: hm?

KS: i think im being made fun of by my own planet.

LS: the name is certainly a little… on the nose. maybe youre there to make things loud again.

KS: haha

KS: ^thats sarcasm that was a sarcastic laugh

LS: worth a shot though! what else is there to do

 

Silence happens to be, for Soonyoung, the absolute consumption of sound. He speaks, but it does not reach his ears. Does not reach the smiling faces etched into the mountains.

 

 _Are we going to die here?_ he asks and the air that leaves his lungs is swallowed, sweet, by the wind. _Is there any point in trying?_

 

His answer comes, later, but not the way he wants it to. For now, the wind blows the hair back from his face, and the mouths in the cliffs bare their teeth.

 

\--

 

Soonyoung never was any good at solving puzzles, so it was only natural he invited Minghao over to his planet to bring the worldwide brain cell count up to approximately 13.

 

 _Want me to look up a walkthrough?_ Soonyoung mouths and signs poorly while Minghao grits his teeth.

 

 _Shut up, I’m thinking_ , Minghao mouths back.

 

 _I’m not even saying anything._ Soonyoung grins.

 

This earns him what would be a half frustrated laugh, if sound traveled at all here.

 

Minghao traces his fingers along a wet spot on the cave wall-- gloved hands making him look impressively like the Lara Croft of their shitty ragtag group of losers. Clearly, he’s seeing something Soonyoung is not, and that something is made abundantly clear when he pushes forward and the wall opens up.

 

Minghao looks at Soonyoung, his face betraying nothing, really, but Soonyoung knows Minghao, knows when he is too proud to ask for what he wants.

 

 _You’re a god,_ Soonyoung mouths.

 

 _Hardly,_ Minghao mouths back, but the small smile playing at his lips is able to illustrate how pleased he is in a way he is incapable of doing with words.

 

In front of them, two hallways snake down in opposite directions-- their paths only visible for a few feet before the darkness consumes them.

 

Minghao makes to inspect their entrances, his shoulders squared defensively. He senses danger, Soonyoung does too, but the good news is that this is where Soonyoung can actually be useful for once. He slides a coin out of his back pocket, feels the cool of it on his skin.

 

He walks up beside Minghao, arm coming to hang around his shoulders as a warning in the absence of all sound. Once he’s sure Minghao’s attention is on him, he mouths _watch this_ , and flips the coin.

 

For Soonyoung what happens is the coin lands on heads, he takes the path to the right and finds nothing-- no death traps or stray bears hellbent on his destruction. From there it’s easy to step back through time, to complete the loop where he left it.

 

For Minghao, Soonyoung flips a coin and in that same instant there appear two of him, one alive and smiling, and the other very much dead.

 

Maybe Soonyoung got used to it too quickly, the death he invites when he messes with time needlessly. Minghao does not seem to be anywhere near as desensitized.

 

His jaw is set tight, all the mirth from earlier gone from his face-- replaced by hard lines and parted lips.

 

For a second, Minghao looks between the two of them, confused, frantic. Then his face takes on something calmer, his lips becoming a thin line.

 

There cannot be beats of silence in a land lacking all sound. The two of them are suspended in time, if only for a moment. The air is suddenly like glass, Soonyoung feels his smile slipping, he sets it back in place.

 

 _Cool, right?_ Soonyoung mouths, because it is, because it must be, because if it is not something praiseworthy, then what is it?

 

It’s not self destructive if the you being destroyed isn’t… really you, is it?

 

Minghao takes a breath in through his teeth. _Tomorrow,_ he mouths. _I’ll just… I’ll see you tomorrow._

 

\--

 

“Bullshit,” Chan hisses, glaring at Junhui over his cards. “There’s no way you have three kings.”

 

Junhui smiles, like he hadn’t been trying to get away with anything at all and promptly picks the discard pile up to add it to his hand. “Sorry,” he sing-songs.

 

The sky above them holds nothing-- not the stars, not the sun. It’s dark, empty. Vast. Soonyoung stares at it until he can no longer register conversation, until the black of it envelops him.

 

Seokmin elbows him in the side, hard. “Earth to Soonyoung.”

 

“My bad,” Soonyoung mumbles. It’s easy to see he’d been disruptive in his inability to pay attention-- he’s being stared at.

 

Minghao hums. “Your turn,” he says. He doesn’t look up, hasn’t the whole time he’s been here.

 

Right. His turn.

 

He’s got three cards left-- an ace and two queens.

 

Chan watches him intently, face nearly eclipsed by his hand. Minghao, still, has his eyes trained on the floor.

 

Soonyoung places all three down. “Three aces,” he says. “Count ‘em.”

 

Nothing to lose, at this point. Nothing at all.

 

He watches the cut of Chan’s eyes, how he narrows them, looks back down at his own hand, seals his lips tight.

 

It seems like he’s gotten away with it. Nothing happens for a moment, two. Chan is taking his sweet time coming up with his card-- whether it’s purposeful or not is up for debate.

 

Then, though, Soonyoung catches Minghao’s eye from across the circle. It’s really so unfair, how easy it is for Minghao to read him off just a glance.

 

“Bullshit,” Minghao says, tightens his grip on his own hand. “Bullshit.”

 

And that’s really all there is to say on the matter.

 

\--

 

Kissing Minghao is easy. Easier than most things are, easier than what little breathing Soonyoung has left to do in his life.

 

If he does it enough he can convince himself that none of it hurts. That nothing about it is painful, that he isn’t being hurt the same way he’s hurting.

 

Minghao used to be something soft.

 

What they have now is-- desperate, at best. It’s a last ditch effort, Soonyoung slides rough hands over the skin of Minghao’s neck, tries to promise himself he’ll be gentler, in the future, that his actions won’t push them apart.

 

“You okay?” Minghao asks, his thumb rubbing a line up Soonyoung’s cheekbone suddenly.

 

Soonyoung nods. “‘Course,” he smiles, faux contentedness painting its way over his features. “When am I not?”

 

Minghao looks like he might want to say something, but whatever it is leaves him in the next instant.

 

They sit out in the sun for too long. They both burn.

 

ACT 3

 

Soonyoung presses shaky fingers to the small of Minghao’s back and they come back covered in blood. It’s all so sticky, corrupted-- none of this feels like it was supposed to go this way and yet… No one’s come to fix it.

 

 _He_ hasn’t gone back to fix it. The question is why not.

 

Minghao’s breathing, but barely. He’d been knocked clean out of the sky, his fingers all mangled and broken, legs folded back beneath his body. The space between Minghao’s back and the ground is warm, gooey, suddenly too much to handle.

 

“You know,” Soonyoung breathes, but it’s a stilted thing-- there’s the fear that even his words will bring destruction, the way they always do. “If you wanted me here so bad, you should have said so.”

 

Minghao does not react and Soonyoung hopes it’s out of annoyance rather than the onset of an inability to comprehend the world around him.

 

He’s so pale, even as the sunlight beats down on him, hard. His burnt cheeks are the only things that retain their color, really. And his eyes.

 

Soonyoung reaches out, hand at the top of Minghao’s thigh, shaking, shaking, still. “I’m going to set your legs, okay?”

 

Minghao blinks.

 

He is less silent in the moments to come.

 

The blood, though, it still gushes silently-- a harbinger for what must come after this, what they both know must come after this.

 

If Soonyoung had just _been here_ like he said he would be. If he’d stopped running away.

 

These things, they’re often his fault.

 

“I have to,” Soonyoung balls his hands into fists, “I have to fix this. I can’t, we can’t lose you.”

 

Minghao furrows his brow, but it’s slight, delayed.

 

“It’ll just be a second, I swear, and I won’t let you see the body this t--”

 

He’s cut off by Minghao wrapping a hand around his wrist. “No,” he says. “No, fuck you, I won’t let you.”

 

Funny, Soonyoung thinks, how Minghao’s words are enough to make him pause. What, really, could he do to stop Soonyoung from stepping back in time and fixing things?

 

“Please,” Minghao says, as if he knows Soonyoung really could never refuse him. “Stay.”

 

He does. Minghao’s next request is worse.

 

When Soonyoung holds his dagger steady over Minghao’s heart, he knows he won’t be able to kill him. All he can do is shake until the color leaves everything, until the world around him turns grey and Minghao’s eyes no longer hold the fire they used to.

 

Even after all the pleading, the most Soonyoung can do is press his lips to Minghao’s. The most he can do is wake him back up.

 

\--

 

On a dark purple planet, not far from where he slowly bled out, Minghao gasps, opens his eyes, seethes.

 

There is only so much this type of love can do, he knows now. He sits up, takes a second to assess the damage, and pushes forward.

 

ACT 2

 

LS: hey uh. where are you?

LS: josh said you were upset

 

LS: please dont be dead

LS: that would be a huge bummer

 

LS: if youre dead send me a signal i can launch myself over to you, lips puckered

 

LS: its been a week dude. hao says you havent spoken to him either.

LS: i thought for sure…

 

LS: i get it if you want to be left alone but i need to know youre alive.

LS: juns fucked off somewhere too but at least he sends me incomprehensible gibberish every once in a while

LS: youre missing a lot of… planning

 

LS: well. dead or not i think you have a right to know whats going on

LS: we kind of fucked up. like the goal of this game was to create a new universe to replace the one we left behind but… we messed up the steps somehow or we forgot something so. theres nothing for us here. wont ever be anything.

LS: joshua has a theory. and a plan. but a vote is probably in order because the plan does include us being erased from existence.

LS: basically, the general thought is . why should we belabor the point, yknow?

LS: either we die here of old age and nothing is accomplished. or we die now. here. and ensure that other people have the chance to succeed where we Clearly failed.

LS: in hopefully more ways than one.

LS: ive thought about it a lot.

LS: and i think its what we deserve

LS: yeah

LS: its what we deserve

 

\--

 

Soonyoung does not mean to disappear. It just happens. The second he crawls back into the hallways of the place he once called home it was so easy to seep through the cracks of the earth, to fall away into nothingness.

 

It started with Minghao, but it does not end with him-- mostly because he is all encompassing, something so vast and deep that Soonyoung fears the falling in will be so much easier than the getting back out.

 

The worst of it is when Minghao mirrors Soonyoung’s faults, when he picks them out and brandishes them between his teeth like something poison, insidious.

 

They fought, once, and after this they will fight again. But by that time Soonyoung has already failed Minghao in every way he could ever fail a person. The weight of knowing which mistakes are necessary for survival settles, unkind, under Soonyoung’s skin.

 

He sits outside his childhood home and shakes.

 

\--

 

\--LEE CHAN opened memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

LC: alright fuckers. i need you to think long and hard about the answer to this question because ive been considering the merits of self immolation for the better part of an hour.

LC: how fucked are we. really. give it to me straight.

 

\--XU MINGHAO started responding to memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

XM: depends on what you mean by fucked

LC: you know damn well what i mean.

 

\--LEE SEOKMIN started responding to memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

LS: by my calculations. were gonna have to initiate the end in less than a week.

LC: see minghao it IS possible to not be cagey in this chat.

LC: anyway that sucks.

LC: huh. thought id feel something other than like, complete and total apathy at the possibility of the termination of my existence.

LS: youve had time to come to terms with it.

 

\--KWON SOONYOUNG started responding to memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

KS: so have we all decided that dying is like, the way to go or,

LC: oh thank fuck. youre still here.

LC: ^ thats me being sarcastic thats sarcasm.

LS: oh my god youre alive

 

\--HONG JOSHUA started responding to memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

HJ: no ones dying. we simply will cease to exist! dont make it sound so morbid. this is a sacrifice not a shame self destruct.

XM: hm.

KS: hm?

LS:  i think hm means ‘where have you been for the past two weeks?’

KS: oh

KS: ive been around.

LC: jesus christ. of all the people that could have been spared destruction via earth’s spectacular implosion. i got stuck with three of the most emotionally constipated circlejerkers known to mankind. well! i guess known to no one but me now!

KS: i resent that.

HJ: hey im here too!!

XM: hm.

LS: i think hm means ‘i am king of not talking about my feelings’

 

\--XU MINGHAO has banned himself from responding to the memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

KS: great now look what youve gone and done.

LS: i was just translating

LC: i really am going to light myself on fire i wasnt joking

LS: youre gonna have to talk to him, sy.

KS: yeah yeah. soonyoung saves the day yet again

 

\--LEE CHAN has banned KWON SOONYOUNG from responding to the memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

\--LEE CHAN has banned LEE SEOKMIN from responding to the memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

LC: i hope we all die in as spectacular a fashion as possible. aredaverci, bitches.

HJ: we’re not dying!!!!!!

HJ: …….

HJ: why do i even bother

 

\--WEN JUNHUI started responding to memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

WJ: :3c

 

\--LEE CHAN has banned WEN JUNHUI from responding to the memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

\--LEE CHAN has banned himself from responding to the memo END OF THE WORLD BEACH BASH--

 

ACT 4

 

The thing about secrets is that if you have one, you shouldn’t be leaving it lying around in the open.

 

Minghao’s notebook is sitting at his desk. Soonyoung can’t remember a time a time he’s ever seen it unattended and the urge to reach over and leaf through it almost outweighs all social niceties.

 

Minghao uses a lot of red. He goes through his nice reds faster than he does any other color.

 

Sometimes, Soonyoung can feel Minghao’s eyes on him. Can feel the way they trace a line from his brow to the tip of his nose and right back up again.

 

There’s something he’s trying to figure out, something he’s trying to remember. Some sensation lost to time.

 

 _I can get it back,_ Soonyoung thinks.

 

All things lost to time aren’t really lost, after all, just… forgotten.

 

He has the book in his hands before he can really consider the consequences.

 

The first page is a declaration of ownership.

 

The second, a set of playing cards.

 

The rest of it is Soonyoung. The rest of it is red.

 

They’re all lovely, serene, even. And perhaps they wouldn’t be as unsettling if he weren’t suffering from a different mortal wound on every page.

 

In some, his lips are parted, eyes closed. In others, his eyes stare back at him blankly, unseeing.

 

Soonyoung has a minute and ten seconds before Minghao returns from lunch.

 

He traces the outline of a broken sword with one finger for far too long. He’s sitting with his finger on the page when Minghao walks back into the studio. He’s sitting like that when Minghao takes the notebook from his hands.

 

“I told you,” Minghao is saying, but it sounds distant. “I _told_ you not to look.”

 

Soonyoung straightens himself out, but everything feels off-- like his joints have been knocked out of socket, like the pieces holding him together have come unscrewed.

 

He glances at Minghao, and he tilts his head.

 

He wants to ask why but he is afraid he already knows.

 

That the sketches in Minghao’s notebook are attempts at capturing what Soonyoung’s been dreaming about for weeks.

 

“You remember?” Soonyoung asks instead of _why, how, when_.

 

Minghao purses his lips. Nods. Places his book back on his desk. Leaves.

 

ACT 3

 

Soonyoung is bad at puzzles. He’s always been bad at puzzles. And the worst part is Minghao’s not here to help him.

 

Solving puzzles is all there really is to do anymore after the revelation that they’re all taking one for the team, so to speak. The team being the entirety of the human race and taking one meaning… well…

 

Being bad at the one thing you can occupy your mind with is absolutely the pits.

 

Soonyoung bites the bullet and texts Minghao.

 

KS: hey hao

KS: would you like to join me in puzzletown

KS: i have refreshments

XM: oh.

XM: youre back

KS: never went anywhere

XM: you definitely.

XM: you know what nevermind. whatever.

XM: id join you but im busy

KS: busy?

KS: with what??

XM: some of us are preparing for the end

KS: lol when you say it like that it sounds so final

XM: it is final

KS: anyway that can wait!! ive got a puzzle for you

XM: oh boy it cant be! i havent solved a puzzle in years and i am so very much in a position right now to drop everything and waste my entire afternoon!!

KS: jeez if you didnt want to come you coulda just said so

KS: i just thought you might want a distraction!!

KS: youre so serious lately

KS: its not good for your health

XM: ok

XM: i dont want to come.

KS: there was that so hard?

XM: youre ridiculous

KS: its been said before

KS:  anyway can you at least help me

KS: otherwise the dead hoshis will start piling up and no one wants that

XM: i

XM: yeah im. im on my way

 

\--

 

When Minghao kisses it is an angry thing. It is something so warm that it burns.

 

Soonyoung knows the feeling, knows what it is to feel you have ruined things irreparably. It is how he feels now, as he drags his lips over Minghao’s pulse point, as he drags him away from their friends, as he makes selfish decisions.

 

Kwon Soonyoung does not want to stop existing. He does not know how to express this desire.

 

“You’re so pretty,” Soonyoung says, pulling back to assess the damage-- to see how red Minghao gets.

 

Minghao scoffs. Words must mean so little to him, now.

 

“I don’t know why I let you do this,” Minghao says. He fixes Soonyoung with a look that says he’s making a calculation.

 

“Duh, it’s because we’ve been doing it for years.” Soonyoung slides a hand through his hair. “Why stop now?”

 

Minghao bites his lip, moves out from beneath Soonyoung and hesitates. Minghao has never been one for mincing words, so his reluctance sends a pang through Soonyoung.

 

“Why not?” he says finally.

 

“You wanna stop?”

 

Minghao nods, and it’s clear he’s thought this through. “You know where I should be right now?”

 

Soonyoung simpers, balls one hand into a fist behind his back.

 

Because Soonyoung abstains, Minghao continues. “I should be with Josh.”

 

That implies many eventualities Soonyoung is not happy with. “Why do you have to help?”

 

It is clear their priorities lie in different places. Soonyoung thinks he should be allowed this-- these moments where he is forced to think of no one but himself. Minghao is less inclined to Soonyoung’s hedonism. He sees his own termination as a goal. This prospect makes Soonyoung’s diaphragm become a black hole, his body folding in on its singularity.

 

“I have to help because you won’t.”

 

Soonyoung winces, tries not to let it show.

 

Perhaps in his act he has miscalculated something, somewhere, made some sort of mistake.

 

“I know you’re a coward,” Minghao says, finally. “It’s kind of unbecoming.”

 

That’s it, then. The end.

 

When the dust settles, they’re both left holding their masks.

 

Minghao has his indifference. Soonyoung touts his own form of the same. They stare at each other blankly and in the space between them grows a void. It is a welcome one. Soonyoung deposits his feelings. Minghao, it seems, got rid of his long ago.  


ACT 1

 

XM: you know you have a horrible poker face

KS: this is the least true thing anyones ever said

XM: its true i always know what youre thinking

KS: ok fucker what am i thinking right now

XM: i cant see your face

KS: guess youre a liar then

XM: oh my god

XM: are you thinking about . oranges on sale

KS: nope! close but no cigar

XM: ok what ARE you thinking about then

KS: ehehehe

KS: you, clearly

XM: i am going to gouge my eyeballs out

KS: you love me

XM: sure

KS: say it!!!!

XM: i just rolled my eyes.

XM: ........

XM: love you

 

ACT 3

 

As they stand on the precipice of nothing, it becomes clear to Soonyoung that the fighting had always been futile.

 

“Anyone have any last words?” Joshua asks, and the way he says it makes Seokmin chortle away at his side.

 

“Not a funeral,” Seokmin says. “And to think, you were the one telling us to stop being morbid.”

 

Joshua pinches Seokmin’s arm hard enough to make him yelp. “I think it’s important things are said before we blink out of existence.”

 

Chan uses his hand to mime along with Joshua’s words. He’s fed up.

 

Soonyoung pulls Minghao to the side. Because there’s still some things that should not be left unsaid. Because having them inside hurts.

 

“Minghao.” Soonyoung keeps his eyes trained firmly over Minghao’s head, but he can’t miss the crossed arms and the cocked eyebrow, can’t miss the contempt. “I wanted to apologize.”

 

“Now?” Minghao asks, incredulous. His arms are at his sides now. He looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

 

And really, how could you? With all this space around, it’s hard to orient your body-- the inky blackness eats self reflection.

 

“Yeah, now, I--” _missed you and I was selfish and I should never have put myself before the fate of the universe, I just wanted to keep you, just for a little while. I know how hard you are to keep._

 

Soonyoung knows everything he wants to say, but it catches in his throat. Minghao is biting the inside of his lip and Soonyoung can tell, knows now, that there’s nothing he can say to fix this, that the cracks in the two of them started forming the first time Soonyoung got himself killed, started when Soonyoung shook too much to drive a dagger through Minghao’s heart.

 

Instead of the things he needs to say Soonyoung says, “you know, I loved you.”

 

Minghao breathes out through his teeth, then smiles-- and it’s something insidious, poisonous in it’s surety.

 

“I loved you,” Minghao says. “God, am I so ready to forget.”

 

When the world around them implodes, Soonyoung can feel himself fall apart at the seams. It hurts, it should hurt, because it’s what he deserves-- in the end, it feels a whole lot like kissing Minghao. It feels a whole lot like home.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> twt: 5_14pm


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